Behind every dumb-ass Congressional jerk-off is an idea of God
in which God is a mystery His eyes filled with roses.
God’s mind a halo of fur. Menstrual orgasm. I’m told
that it’s beyond vogue to trim one’s pubes, regular guys
at Harvard were already doing it for Naked Ecstasy
Parties like 10 years ago. Must be beyond offensive—juicy clit-tickling
dildo—to the average asshole to find himself faced with an untrimmed
pussywillow, especially one lacquered bloody brown, or tangled
with yeast or who knows what kind of repellent
natural waste product. (The dumb-asses themselves are
such a product, you could say. Mucous discharge. You and I
could also say that not all assholes are men[‘s], just as
not all cocksuckers are women.) Not everything feminine
possesses a vagina—feminine rhyme, for example (vagina/carolina
as opposed to the masculine cock/frock). “Feminine quantity” describes
the mathematics symbol for subtraction, a negative sign.
Subtraction happens, in a way, during childbirth, an event
designed to occur—douchebag—by way of the filthy cunt.
Ina May Gaskin, in Spiritual Midwifery, advises, “Don’t
let the head suddenly explode from the mother’s vagina…
It helps the mother relax around her vagina if you massage her
there—her vagina will become more pliant and stretchy.”
3 inches is the length of the average woman’s vagina, but
“the vagina is exceedingly elastic.” To have an abortion (subtraction)
in Michigan, you must hurl the word vagina back and forth
without breaking it; or it might work to invite
a batallion of hagfish into your hellhole. In Heaven,
in other words, there are only roses and fur, and feel free
while you’re there to use Bitch instead of Nature. The word
“Freedom” is so offensive I don’t even want to say it in front
of the Greek army’s Trojan horse. The word vagina often colloquially
refers to the vulva or the female genitals generally—so do whisker
biscuit, gutted hamster, bearded clam, etc. There’s the idea called
“Vagina Dentata,” which invokes sharks, and the fact that shark
livers and vaginas both naturally produce squalene. This rare
organic compound incidentally entered the biochemistry
of U.S. Soldiers vaccinated for anthrax during the Gulf
War. Squalene, it’s been reported, caused the Gulf War
Syndrome. Vagina comes (in 1680) from the Latin for “sheath”
or “scabbard,” derived from Proto-Indo-European wag-ina,
“cover of a hollow thing.” Do you trim your pubes?
Does Michigan Republican Majority Floor Leader
Jim Stamas, who was vagina-violated? Because I certainly feel
it would violate the decorum of the house if he wagged
an unkempt headship in mixed company. Contrary
to popular imagination, a vagina isn’t furry and it’s unlikely
most people have ever really seen a vagina—rancid succubus.
The vagina is an internal organ that functions as a fibro-
muscular tubular tract. Until penetrated by a boy’s finger
at a high school make-out party circa 1984, I failed
to fully conceptualize the basic architecture of my own vagina,
I hadn’t yet quite grasped how it could be such a hole
that a cock could go into or a baby come out of.
In 5th grade I had a dream about my brother having sex
with a girl named Kris, who lived down the street.
Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.
In my dream, Kris’s creampuff looked like an elephant’s
trunk into which my brother’s penis perfectly fit. Kris and I
went to the same camp, and that summer I caught a glimpse
of her branching pubescence, dark decorous scrolls I intensely loathed,
and coveted. If you Google “vaginectomy,” you’ll find
that the vagina, when exteriorized (via surgery or, sometimes,
just gravity), really kind of does look like an elephant’s trunk
or a hagfish or a tornado. Regardless of what my Auntie
Velma looks like, I believe it’s rather special. You would
never guess how many little creatures have been touched by it,
nor how many substances natural or otherwise have violated
its entrance or employed its exit. My Virgoan Vessel, my Princess
Abandoned, my Wounded Centaur. My Venus, full of roses.
Front page image by CedarBendDrive