Your Existence Has Already Been Realized By Actuaries

Examiners dressed in hazmat suits will number and photograph your wardrobe, pick apart your medicine cabinet, vacuum your bed sheets, collect the hair from your sweaters, number each of your possessions, lining them up on a vinyl sheet on the lawn. X-rays of your garbage, complete assemblage of every trifling picture, every folded receipt, an audit of every book you have not finished, a history made of your failed projects, scanner portrait of your genetic code, the master catalogue, the total and comprehensive inventory of the constellation of things that create your daily life; the derisory mirror of your identity as owner. Your dirty laundry, even your dejecta is necessary to them. All information is uploaded to a waiting server whirring in the tundra in the Northwest Territories. Your gene sequence analyzed, your psychology and physiognomy comprehended in total. Predictive models of your future generated from same in order to compute preemptive adjustments to premiums while zeroing a more effective target market. Everything will be put back in the right place, just before you walk in the door returning from Los Angeles.

 


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WHAT YOUR WEEK HAS IN STORE is a weekly (-ish) horoscope by Forest Lewis. If you’d like to receive email alerts—and that’s all you’ll get, a short email—saying the new one’s up, sign up here:


Front page image by H. J. Hickman.

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