Coke and pills are fine unless you’re pissing tomorrow. Even heroin is ok.
Don’t do heroin.
If you’ve dropped acid in the past few months find out if there will be a hair test also. If there is, shave off all your body hair as soon as you find out. You’ll have to get a haircut too, but don’t be too blatant about it. If your hair is already short you can buzz it but if your hair is long, just cut it short. You’ll have to order this special shampoo online. It will burn your scalp but that’s normal, and it will heal after a few weeks.
Weed is gonna be your biggest problem; it stays in your fat and you can piss positive a month after smoking, but if you follow these tips you can smoke up to three days before and still pass.
Don’t be fat. The more fat you have, the harder it’s going to be.
If you’ve been smoking every day for months, better stop a full week before.
It is normal to have poor appetite, nausea, insomnia and intense nightmares the first few days.
Two days before you piss, put on sweatpants and a hoodie and fill up a big jug with warm water. Sit in your car and crank up the heat. Sweat it out. Drink a gulp of water every few minutes.
Don’t get drunk the night before your test because you can’t take being sober another day. You’ll snort someone’s dirty coke, and the second someone pulls out some skunky kush it’ll be over.
If a guy cuts you off in traffic on your way to the clinic, don’t pull over on the shoulder to fight him just because sobriety has you on edge. He might train in MMA, as many people do now. Despite getting your ass kicked, you’ll get arrested too. You won’t be able to explain two black eyes to your boss, and you can’t be on the sales floor looking like that anyway so he’ll fire you. Fines and lawyer fees will be about three-grand altogether.
Don’t show up stoned for your first meeting with your probation officer. In her musty concrete basement office it will be glaringly obvious. Behind glasses she’ll study you, and you’ll feel like a zoo animal. A tiny one.
Don’t try to bring someone else’s piss to your probation drug test. She’ll probably be watching over your shoulder. Even if she leaves you alone in the restroom the piss will be cold and that’s a dead giveaway. She’s been doing this a long time.
Don’t hide Clorox or any kind of detergent in the skin flaps of your penis and shake it out into the container in an attempt to throw off the test. It will burn holes in your helmet, and piss will spray everywhere like a sprinkler.
Don’t panic if your probation officer leaves a message saying “Whatever you did, you broke my fucking machine.” This will buy you a day or so. Reread the above steps.
Don’t take a handful of Vicodins the morning before your retest for fuck’s sake! It’s an opiate. I don’t care if you’re getting evicted out of your shit apartment.
If it comes back positive: Deny, Deny, Deny. Sound baffled over the phone like “Positive, like for a drug?! There’s no way. I mean, I’m terrified of drugs.” There’s a one-percent chance of a false positive so she’ll let you take another even though she won’t believe you.
If you just can’t stop, pick up a catheter at Walgreens and get a clean sample from a friend. This can be tricky when all your friends are degenerate scumbags. Pee as much as possible into your toilet then stick the tube down the opening of your penis and withdraw the remaining urine in your bladder. Getting the clean urine inside your bladder will be trickier, but it’s possible.
Don’t fuck up the catheter thing and cut up your prostate. You’ll piss blood for your second retest and your probation officer will be fed up with you. You’ll need Vicodins to relieve the pain but they’ll stop working after a while and you’ll move up to OxyContin.
Don’t be at home when the cops show up at your door with a warrant for your arrest. It shouldn’t be a problem because you’ll probably have been evicted from your apartment by then, and they won’t know where to look or care enough to find out.
Don’t start crushing up the Oxies and snorting them.
Sleep on friends’ couches but don’t overstay your welcome or steal their pills when they’re at work.
Don’t sell your car for drug money.
Don’t switch to heroin because it’s cheaper.
Don’t sleep in the park.
Don’t shoot dope in your arm just because it’s winter and it’s the only way you’ll make it through the night. Neighborhood kids will put stuff in your gaping mouth—grass, leaves, even ants.
Front page image by moonpir.