My coworker and I went out for after-work drinks. The porch was crowded. We were invited to sit with a couple that were engaged after being friends. They never dated. She was talking about being a student.
College Girl: …it’s for my education. And I’m actually going to do something. You just need a job. And I get really assholey about it. I-I don’t mean to be—
Fiancé: See, I get nicer to them because they have a job.
College Girl: They’re trying, they’re trying. I’m like, my education is costing me a fortune. It has cost me grey hairs. I have, I am like aging more than I should like I’m just like, ‘No. You guys don’t know what it’s like to try to save the world. Actually.’
Coworker: I just pretend to be on my phone when I pass them. Then they don’t talk to me.
College Girl: I just tell them to fucking piss off. I’m just like ‘Fuckin’ piss off,’ I’m like ‘You don’t get it.’ And they’re like ‘What do you mean we don’t get it?’ I’m like, ‘You don’t fuckin’ get it.’ I have this thing where I black out sometimes—like sober—(Fiancé: You realize they’re trying to get a job…) and turn into a mean, I don’t mean to, but I’m I go to the U and um in like um chemistry we have labs and it’s really high pressure because like everybody’s pre-med at the U and it’s just really really high pressure at the U in the sciences. And I just like black out during my presentations so when somebody asks a stupid question I am like straight up like ‘Is that a real question? Can somebody ask me a real question?’
Fiance: I know. I mean it’s just really annoying!
College Girl: I don’t know what happens to me. I’m a really nice person. But there’s something about me when somebody like pushes certain buttons I’m just like ‘Um can someone ask me a real question?’ I’m like ‘You don’t even you don’t even know what you’re talking about.’ You’re asking me a stupid question. You’re just trying to get points. [I laugh] No you cannot get points for that. Can somebody ask me a real question? Cuz you get points for asking the presenter. Um. You get points for that. And I’m like, ‘No you don’t get points.’
Fiancé: Imagine what you feel like when you think your professor is that kind of asshole. (College girl: I mean—) That’s why I dropped out of college, when I realized my professor was an idiot.
College Girl: I’d be an asshole professor, for sure. I think like. Like really?
My coworker: …Hard job.
College Girl: That’s why—
Fiancé: I dropped my Sociology cuz I realized—
College Girl: Those people should ask any dumb questions they want.
Fiancé: …these assholes…
College Girl: I’m not professor material. People should ask dumb questions.
College Girl: And I’m just like, ‘Is that a real question?’
[The server comes by]
College Girl: Yes. Yes. I want something. What do you got for me?
Server: We got beer. We got booze. We got.
Fiancé: I want what she wants.
Server: We got it all.
Me: I’ll take a [Grainbelt] Nordeast please.
Server: Do you want a Nordeast tallboy?
Server: They’re two bucks.
Server: Do you want to do cash for that?
College Girl: I think I’m plenty drunk so I’m going to have a PBR.
College Girl: Tallboy.
Fiancé: And I’ll have one too.
Server: Two tallboys?
College Girl: Do you have tall boys?
Server: Of course. Two tall boys? Two PBRs?
Fiancé: Yeah. Um. Two of them. We’re on the same tab. [A pause.] This is my fiancée. So she’s always on my tab.
Server: All right. Point taken.
Fiancé: Until she graduates from college then I’m on her tab.
Server: Alright. [laughs]