I Said Yes to the Candidates!

Hi, I’m Brittany! You may recognize me from such ads as Say Yes to Rick Snyder, which you can see right here:
 


 

Also, there’s Say Yes to Bob Beauprez! And my famous Yeses to Rick Scott and Asa Hutchinson! And I am here to tell the Women of America: you, too, can say Yes!
 
Now, I know you must be asking yourselves after watching these videos, how did one former College Republican say Yes to all these amazing guys? And also: how can a man be a dress?
 
On this journey of life, there are more questions than answers, but I’ll do my best to explain. It all started, as the best things do, when I read The Fountainhead, a pivotal book on my journey of self-discovery. Reading it I took away—well, I’m not sure what I took away, but let me tell you: Republican guys LOVE Ayn Rand. I don’t always understand her philosophy, personally, but my God, those lovemaking scenes are steamy!
 
I tried to channel Ayn as best I could when Rick Snyder first asked me to wear his dress. He had seen me speak at a rally on campus about so-called climate change, or, as we call it in the real world, “weather.” He said some nice things to me. I asked him to say more nice things to me as I chanted Howard Roark in my head. I told myself, I have the right to my ego!
 
When he finished his proposition I asked him what Ayn would want me to ask: what’s in this for me? In return, he texted a picture of his penis.
 
I was shocked. My first instinct was to tell him how violated I felt. Then I realized he had given me a valuable negotiating tool. Buy me 12 mos of spry tans or I post on Twitter.
 
Dont or I take away ur reproductive rights, he wrote after a few minutes.
 
Vry nice try. I sent him a wagging-finger emoji. But ur talking 2 a virgin 🙂
 
That seemed to excite him. I used the excitement to my advantage, negotiating for spring break in the Galapagos Islands and a discretionary fund for blowouts. By the time he deflowered me in person, he had also promised me a position in his Cabinet.
 
“Should I win,” he said.
 
“Oh, you’ll win!” I told him.
 
“You think so?” he said. He seemed nervous, so for the next few hours I told him just how much I did.
 
Rick and I were pretty happy together for a while, until Bob Beauperez came along. Some people say it’s weird, the way I’m attracted to rich old white men, but I just call my daddy when they get mean and he takes care of it right away. Seriously, people are so judgmental! And have you ever noticed it’s mainly people who have less money than you?
 
I love my dad so much, but not as much as I love Bob Beauperez. Bobby said that once I wore his dress he might even get me a position as commentator on Fox News. “What about CNN?” I said, because I preferred their outfits. That made Bobby pretty mad. So mad that he hit me, but only a little bit. Luckily he apologized right after he said that I made him do it. That’d be pretty messed up otherwise!
 
I thought it might make Rick mad, having Bob around too, but honestly he was so busy with work and the interns I’m not sure he noticed. And it’s like Ayn says: the question isn’t who’s going to let me—it’s who’s going to stop me. And no one was going to stop me! I had two powerful dresses in my closet and a BBA in consumer marketing. I was invincible!
 
Which is why it seemed totally natural that when Other Rick came along, I didn’t think twice before I wore his dress too. Honestly you guys? His story was so sad. Like, his wife used to love him, but now all she did was buy new furniture and go to the gym? And she hated sex? “You poor thing,” I said as he cried on my shoulder, while simultaneously unbuttoning my pants. It wasn’t until later I learned that she had breast cancer. I felt bad, but I was also like: well, if you can’t give him what he needs…
 
At this point it was getting tricky to take care of all these men at once. Luckily that’s basically what God made me for! The first time Asa emailed me I actually thought he was a woman too. With a name like that, how was I supposed to know? Then we met for coffee and he told me he was looking for “young energy” to “liven up” his campaign. Then he told me he had a private jet. I had never been on a private jet. “Sign me up!” I said. He paid for my coffee and said he’d forgive my student loans.
 
“Wait, really?” I said. He laughed and put a hand on my rear end. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” he said.
 
So I scratched his back, along with some other things, on the plane to his next campaign stop. When we landed I had all these messages from the Two Ricks and Bobby, wondering where I was. It made me feel powerful, you know?
 
I think that’s when I decided that I’d say yes to any man who wanted me to wear his dress. Republican or Democrat, black or white. Think of all I’d be getting in return!
 
I’m 23 now, so I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on this whole post-college life. And I couldn’t have done it without my Two Ricks, Bobby, and Asa. Thanks to them I’ve learned to negotiate, ignore my mother, and wear pretty dresses every time I’m unsure of my place in this world. Tom Corbett and I have just started seeing each other, and so far it’s going great. I think he really likes me—he even bought me pearls!
 
So in conclusion, say yes! You never know what you might get from the experience. Odds are only one in four—well less than fifty percent—that he’s going to get a little bruisey with you. Which means a 75% chance of great networking opportunities! I’m more powerful and successful than I’ve ever been, thanks to these amazing guys.
 
And soon you will be too.

 

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OMG you guys! I forgot that I said Yes to Bruce Rauner, too! He is such a doll. Once Brucey taught me about the economy in such a memorable way.
 
“Capital in, capital out,” he said, thrusting. “Capital IN!!!”
 
Boy, I’ll never forget that!

 


 

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