On February 1, Revolver launched its most ambitious WANTED contest to date. We asked writers to create a fictional character and apply to a real job. The job? A 3-month prompt-based SERIAL PROJECT on Revolver. The editors have now narrowed it to down 3 semi-finalists. What follows are their characters’ answers to the second round of questions.
Have you met this character? You are welcome to provide a character reference in the comments below? This character’s fate may rest in your hands…
Tiffanie Brumpton, a.k.a., Brump
How would you describe your work style?
If you ask the police—who I work closely with when I am called to a crime scene to soothe the bereaved animal companions of crime victims—they’d call me pathologically aggressive. If you ask the bereaved animals, they’d have the opposite opinion. Both are correct. That’s why I try to have Bubble, my girlfriend, along with me on the job to help smooth things over with the cops. Her hours are flexible at the North Beach taffy shop where she works, thank God. And she’s a speedy unicyclist, keeps up with me, my euphonium balanced on my bicycle handlebars.
Have you ever had trouble with a boss/co-worker or customer? If so, please explain.
One time a baby goat wild with grief scrambled a steep ledge on Telegraph Hill, and the police said Bubble couldn’t come to the crime scene. They asked if she was my assistant and I gave them a tongue lashing, telling them “of course not, she’s my next of kin and my witness, you idiots!” They’ve stabbed me in the back more than once, laughing, saying, “Here comes the dyke with her horn.” Sweet Bubble puts her calming hand on my back, tosses them taffy like they’re little kids lining a parade route and that keeps their jaws busy.
How do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?
You’ve got to be kidding me! These other finalists have nothing on me; and you better spend more time convincing me why I should take your job, versus hearing how I’d “compensate”.
You’ve read the press on me. Seen the photo spread in National Geographic. Watched the PBS special where I was scaling El Capitan (we were helicoptered in, that time)—my euphonium slung over my back—to bring a peregrine out of its woes and home to a Russian Hill aviary. Bubble was right by my side, singing the lyrics to Dave Frishberg’s “My Attorney Bernie” that time. Falcons love a comic jazz tune.
I’ve had many experiences that not only qualify me for your “position” but also qualify me for other roles, more prestigious than your gig.
I’ve even considered running for Governor of California; I’d been wooed by all the major parties. Even the Communists wanted me on their ticket. But Bubble wouldn’t hear of it, and I acquiesced to my woman’s desires. So Bubble will need convincing, too. Don’t be fooled by her sweet exterior or her taffy—she’s a force to be reckoned with, the woman behind the woman, Tiffanie Brumpton, a.k.a., Brump.
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WANTED is an occasional community writing contest run by Revolver. We give a prompt and our readers respond. If you’d like to receive email alerts—and that’s all you’ll get, a short email—saying there’s a new one, sign up here: